Test-tube baby with guns for hands
Good god it's early. Hello giant screaming anonymous unhearing interwebs. How are you this fine day?
A bit past 6 in the morning and I've been awake since 3. Why, you might ask, if you were wont to ask such things. Well, it's a very uninteresting story, but short, so buckle in.
Today marks my return to school after an impromptu holiday from it, brought about as a result of a combination between lack of funds for transport combined with some sort of minor anxiety attack. So of course the best thing at the end of an anxiety-ish thingy is to have to get back to normalcy while everyone around you knows something happened but don't know what. All they know is you disappeared, and I'm in no frame of mind to tell them what happened, because if you say it out loud it just sounds ridiculous: for no reason I can fathom (but I assume there is one and am searching for it) I had to stay in bed and not talk to anyone for a while, going to great lengths to do nothing... See? It sounds insane. And made up. Which is the problem with it I guess. It doesn't sound real, and if you're on the outside of it looking in its hard to see how real it is. Even if it was you in there just a few days ago.
So of course that chest-crunching anxious feeling is back, in different form, as I head back into school. To face the people who don't understand and who I'm not strong enough to tell. To try and pick up the pieces.
As an abstract thing, and not something I have to deal with, it is interesting to note how and when this hits. I originally thought it was a new thing. Something recent due to stagnation or who knows what. Panic at being back at school again. But reading back through this thing, using the posts as a sort of memory palace, unlocking those events, I see a much more troubling pattern. I see a young man struggling with the very same thing I appear to be trying to deal with. I see him hide from it in distractions. In theatre. Until last year there had not been a single year I hadn't done something theatrical since 2003. Last year was the first time since then that I was unable to do a show, due to time constraints. Last year was the first time this thing really hit me hard. And I didn't have an outlet. And it was bad.
Right now I honestly can't say if I'm still in the middle of this thing or if I'm on an upswing, and having to content with things like illness and poor-being-ness in the middle of it hasn't helped anything.
I don't know how today goes. I do know that writing this all out is a wondrous distraction.
Now back to listening to music.
A bit past 6 in the morning and I've been awake since 3. Why, you might ask, if you were wont to ask such things. Well, it's a very uninteresting story, but short, so buckle in.
Today marks my return to school after an impromptu holiday from it, brought about as a result of a combination between lack of funds for transport combined with some sort of minor anxiety attack. So of course the best thing at the end of an anxiety-ish thingy is to have to get back to normalcy while everyone around you knows something happened but don't know what. All they know is you disappeared, and I'm in no frame of mind to tell them what happened, because if you say it out loud it just sounds ridiculous: for no reason I can fathom (but I assume there is one and am searching for it) I had to stay in bed and not talk to anyone for a while, going to great lengths to do nothing... See? It sounds insane. And made up. Which is the problem with it I guess. It doesn't sound real, and if you're on the outside of it looking in its hard to see how real it is. Even if it was you in there just a few days ago.
So of course that chest-crunching anxious feeling is back, in different form, as I head back into school. To face the people who don't understand and who I'm not strong enough to tell. To try and pick up the pieces.
As an abstract thing, and not something I have to deal with, it is interesting to note how and when this hits. I originally thought it was a new thing. Something recent due to stagnation or who knows what. Panic at being back at school again. But reading back through this thing, using the posts as a sort of memory palace, unlocking those events, I see a much more troubling pattern. I see a young man struggling with the very same thing I appear to be trying to deal with. I see him hide from it in distractions. In theatre. Until last year there had not been a single year I hadn't done something theatrical since 2003. Last year was the first time since then that I was unable to do a show, due to time constraints. Last year was the first time this thing really hit me hard. And I didn't have an outlet. And it was bad.
Right now I honestly can't say if I'm still in the middle of this thing or if I'm on an upswing, and having to content with things like illness and poor-being-ness in the middle of it hasn't helped anything.
I don't know how today goes. I do know that writing this all out is a wondrous distraction.
Now back to listening to music.
posted by Mystycal Tycoon at
1:56 PM
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