An Overwhelming Sense of Deard?

Well, well, well... Since I have last blasted the interwebs with a cannonical, or indeed connical, (or comical? surely not! Rather, it is something that is laughed at than laughed with, if indeed anyone is laughing.) refute of my latest escapades, things have been happening. The kind of things you put in italics. The Mother message was inevitably one of dissilusion and defection. Apparently I was not doing enough housework. At the house. My parents house. The fact that no one else in my entire family besides myself, and occasionally my father when he doesn't just come home and collapse from work, does any of the house work. I'm talking cleaning, sorting, ironing, washing, drying, dishes, clothes, cat, dog, litter, food... none of it. Well, food maybe, but that's usually dad. But apparently they all have perfectly legitimate excuses that I have yet to hear. Presumably 'work' or 'school'. I could argue that as mum works at a school that kinda cancels those two out, but maybe not. Basically the fact that I have too much of a life to work myself to death is the main reason behind this. The fact that I spend the least amount of time there is not only not a sound base to argue that what "little" (mum's word) work I do is enough, but by not being there to do the work I am being "unfair" (again her word) on the rest of the family. *raises eyebrow in mild confusion* (I would find this immesurably funny if it didnt directly affect me)

In response to this, and the not working thing, my mother brought up a list of jobs around the house (and outside of it for which I was going to apparently apply). In response to this I retorted with a Catholic-Defaming comment about priests and small children that I cannot quite remember not wish to really repeat, except to emphasise that it set dad and I off into hysterics, annoyed mum, and I was therefore able to safely ignore anything she gesticulated wildly about because in my (and dad's) mind, I had bested her and she knew it. Cue evil laughter.

Another thing of note is on a whim I changed the template thingy. This new one looks quite nice. Unfortunately due to my lack of l33t computer skillz, I wiped all that side bar stuff and blogroll things, so sorry if you were there and now aren't. Its not on purpose... :S

That's it for now. Off to melbourne to get my phone charger that I left there... again...
See you when I see you.

Black Stiletto Shoes

Work it harder
Make it better
Do it faster
Makes us stronger
More than ever
Hour after hour
Work is never over

Indeed at times, when I sit in my cold and calculating labyrinth of inner genius, it seems that our work is never over. For do we not, as the great philosopher Max Wade once said whilst slightly tipsy at some private function, hide from some nameless dark creature of the night who is, as always, infinitely more subtle powerful and grander than ourselves? Do we not, in short, fear?

There are many things which would initiate such feelings of dread or that gut wrenching, wetting-one's-pants feeling that can sometimes be disassimilated into the simplistic title of fear. One can fear doing one's taxes for example, but this is a fickle fear and therefore should not be paid significant attention to. Just do your taxes you mong! On the other scale of things, waking up to realise that the local police have found that dead body you habitually hung in your freezer at your place of work and are at the door RIGHT NOW! is somewhat of a greater fear. Unless you have too done such a heinous thing I doubt you must worry about such things.

No, I fear that fear is a subject that escapes such meager means at classification, and yet prevails not only as a major player in our card-table of life, but is also a major subject of my thoughts in recent times. Why? Because I am consumed by it. And I'm not talking, obsessing over the cool movie you went and saw with your 'significant other' and didn't actually see most of the movie because you were 'conversating' in the back row (possibly on the floor). No, I'm talking obsessed as in bad obsessed. I live in fear, and as such it has become quite a taxing presence on my thoughts...

I got a message from my mother today. As side notes go, this is quite an aside, but it still remains within the bounds of the "fear" conversation, yet at a lower level. This is not my dead-body, gut wrenching fear. This is something lesser, but family related... Basically she sent me a txt, or text if you will, that was unsettling. "I need 2 talk 2 u. Pls ring me" Under normal circumstances this is not a huge thing, but due to my current mental state when I received this message paranoia instantly settled in. It's like when you get pulled over by the police but you know you haven't done ANYTHING wrong, but you still sit there and run over anything you might have done wrong, sometimes convincing yourself that you must have done something and so fear settles into your head and feeds you little goblins of hellish thought to deal with. That's where I'm at now. I shall call her soon and may or may not report back on the situation. At most I shall ascertain whether or not my paranoia was unfounded or not. Only time will tell.

I feel a greater satisfaction with this post as compared to previous postings. This was not intentionally an intentional thing. I did not really set out to write in this slightly different and somewhat lilting manner. I am still "blogging my feelings" and yet I find comfort in the fact that I can happily say purple covered glow stick dew with stomach ulcer enhancing properties and not have it feel out of place in the general (or indeed specific) scheme of things. As far as schemes go, this one is pretty bizzare whist still retaining a semblance of cogency. Nice.

Well, I shall move on, as inevitably one must always move on, and shall endeavour to face my paranoia head on and hopefully prove it wrong, or at the least just face it and whatever comes from the "confrontation". Go me!

See you when I see you. Unless I don't.

Just 'cause I can.

Two posts right on top of one another! Oh my! I have found a post that best encapsualted my previous rant... Defrosted Walruseseseses..... it's in november 2005.

In it I seem somewhat depressed and yet i still keep up this fun and funny little ramble of side comments taht I now lack. Then it gets down into some nitty gritty....

"This is "supposedly" me, in my life, talking about stuff that I feel like talking about. But I don't really talk about ME, or what i FEEL, and I don't think anyone really does. We just show shadows of ourselves here. And rightly so, for who wants to have someone on the net know the intimacies of our lives?"

And I think that's where I have gone wrong. I have become so accustomed to having this blog that i have been treating it like a diary. It is nolonger somewhere to vent my sillyness, it is somewhere to bitch about life. I do talk about ME and about what I FEEL. I don't say everything, because everyone still has secrets and shadows (something I raised with Genn over a mean and coffee the other other week, so it's still in my head which is always good to know), but I say more than I used to. AS terrible as this sounds, I think I need to stop doing that. i need to remove myself from here and replace it with "persona morgan" who while being still me is less likly to just come on here and bitch. Basically, I need a heap of sugar and coffee and then blog :P

i don't have any energy left for now, so I shall leave you with the sobering thought that as we have grown older we have "sobered up" if you will, and that may be why we try to head for the younger generation and the younger days, to reconnect with that which is still carefree and unfettered.

There once was a man called Alex...

I have been absent for a while now. Funnily enough this statement can be applied to my lack of blogging and to my general mental state. I have been absent. I know I have been out and I'm sure I've been doing something, but these last few weeks have been a blur. I am finding it very hard to remember specifics on things I did only days ago. I couldn't even give you a vague rundown of what I've been doing this last while. I can only vaguley recall glimpses of things, but not put them into any coherent timeframe. I feel as disjointed as "A hatful of flame" my somewhat disjointed and dysfunctional web-thing.

I don't feel well. It's not an illness unwell, rather a character disposition unwell. The "thing" that was hanging and looming continues to hang and loom as it hasn't been faced yet. This, on the whole, is not helping my physical and mental wellbeing. Also, it is summer, and I dislike summer. The whole, it is hot so go outside thing is not my cup of iced tea. I like the cold, i like indoors, I like computer games, like Mass Effect and Bioshock. I don't like summmmmmer.

On a better note, Producers is comming up really soon. Well, auditions for it are at the very least. Within the next few weeks I shall know whether I'm in and where I am in the show, if I am in. Hoping (but not really thinking I'm getting) for Bloom. My wish list goes Bloom, Franz, Carmen (Rodger's' "common law assistant").

I feel tired, listless, unorganised, moving but in noi discernable direction of any kind, never mind a beneficial one.

I recently, and by recently I mean in the past few weeks, re-read over my old posts. Something I noticed was that overall there was no crapping on about my sh*tty life in there. Yes, while I was at school I was a far more carefree and unfettered person. I was able to be a far more charismatic and personable person with greater ease. Now things are stagnant and boorish and so I winge and whine and generally feel like crap, with these odd moments of fun and brilliance and old-self-energy which dissapates far too quickly. I actually think I miss school. Or rather, I miss my schooldays. Back when things were easier, you could just go and do "wahtever" and nothing really mattered (not even VCE :P). Listen to me, I sound like a broken record... Where is the fun and silly in my life? Where is the energy and glamour? I am always tired, always introspective, and always sh*tty about something. Why has life so quickly stopped being about living and become a droll thing I must drag myself through? Who do I appear to be depressed? Sheesh. (I just hope I'm bi-polar and not depressed, because then I will have the crazy happy back!) :P

Anywho, gotta go before I just keep repeating how crap something or other is, because the two people who occasionally glance at this really care about stuff like that :P, and I'll see you when I see you. Over and out.

The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul

To break once more from the breach of continuity. To haul oneself from the grimy clutches and ooze back into the processes of reality.



I left you all hanging with a cliffhanger of fear. I fear. This statement is moreso the case today. i have been working but at the same time hiding. I have been faced with something I don't think I can safely hide from. I may be in "trouble". Eep! I have been putting this thing off all day. Indeed, writing this is putting it off. I fear. This is pretty awsome fear. Wow! Not feeling good... Gonna call Glenn again....



calling....

"Hallo"

"whacha up to?"

"uha"

"sitting on the couch watching neibours"

"I've never watched it before, I presume it's neibours. It might be the other one."

"how"

"I went to the doctors... and the headache will last another week."

"no, just use whatever you're using."

"yep"

"I'm fairly happy, I'm just tired and in pain."

"$600 later and the car's back home."

"thanks"

it goes on..... for quite a while....then ends.



Well, that was a fun yet fruitless distraction. Glenn is not feeling good and so I cannot legitimately use him as an excuse. Oh damn. Well, gonna go confront the thing. Wish me well... I really don't feel good.



aaand...



it has somehow magically been held off 'till the morrow! I don't know wether I am happy or annoyed. I am feeling kinda like I just want it over and done with, you know? I can't stand the waiting, yet at the same time could wait forever... I need to get out of my life real bad!



But now I'm off to deliver Cox's keys to him, he left them here today instead of taking them with him... silly silly...



See you when I see you.

We are many. We are Legion.

CHAPTER 31

Chap Books - Biscuit Books - Stream that is not a stream - Still Streaming - Book Books- And we wrap it up in a vague manner

Berift of any sense of banality, we continue...
"Fine, gang up against [me] you... you... Harry Potter readers!" ([name ommited], Town and Country Pizza Restaurant) Which is a fine institution for all. I have recently committed to re-creating the mental state I was in when I once wrote things down... To this end, I have once more graced Lee's computer and am sitting up late at night (indeed I am "pulling an all nighter" before going to work) to post this. The others are in the other room playing something. Fun times for them! Basically what I am trying to say or not say is that I am tired, and as such may speak absolute rubbish from time to time as my head switches off and on. Therefore, do not concern yourselves if I make no sense whatsoever.

I have recently been in Melbourne with Nick. I was returning from Poker on the Wednesday night when on a whim decided to text nick. I inquired if he was still up. He didn't reply... so I dutifully texted him again. Luckily for him he replied, as I was in the sort of mood whereby I would have just called him anyway and 'accidentally woken you up? I am so sorry! But while you're up, mind if I pay you a visit?' would have inevitably happened. So I drove past my house and up to Melbourne and to his house. I then stayed there "chilling" for a few days and while on my way home yesterday (friday) I received a message from Glenn and Cooskon inquiring of my evening. Throwing caution to the wind I decided to join them in their escapades and soon embarked on a journey to G-Hole and a pizza joint. I then went and saw a movie, Lambs for Lions or some such thing. Quite an interesting show. We then decided (even though I have work very early) that we would go to Glenns and watch Transformers. I had originally thought to just excuse myself during this and get some much needed zee's, but I ended up watching the whole thing and then going onto Lee's comp (which I think he resents so I shall apologise to him about it) to try and stay awake now that it's so late that going to sleep would mean being late for work, and when I'm the one that opens the door, that's not a good thing!

And so another something draws to a close. We all have regrets, some more than others. Do I? Sure. Will I shamelessly blog them for all to see? Hell no! But rest assured that there are quite a few things I would do differently should I have my time again.

I have begun to consider going back to Uni. Doing two not four course thingy's per semester. I am also attempting, even though it is incredibly hard to do so, to really get a job. A real one.

Hmmm, things going fuzzy... I feel like Richard when the axe hits him :P Oh well. But other than this head of mine playing raquetball with itself I feel not too bad. Today at work is going to be a drag. Things is gonna get tough before they get better. I just have to weather them and then hide, and hide good. For now I ignore the queezy feeling the occasionally surfaces in the pit of my stomach and hope that the consequences wont be big. This is merely hope, misguided hope, hopeful hope. The truth is that in all probability I'm "boned". Oh well, it was nice knowing y'all!


Arachnids are not buts, they are arachnids. I cannot remember if there are others besides spiders that are arachnids, ie other creatures, other "bugs".

My computer doesn't work right. I got it back from where I'd left it and it's not quite right. You know those older model laptops? The ones with 800x600 screens. Where if you increased the resolution it didn't shrink-fit it like it does today, it just extended it on passed the edge of the screen. Well, my comp has decided to now do that. It doesn't shrink it to fit, it just sends it on out passed the border of the screen, causing the whole thing to be in a crappy resolution or to move the whole image in silly and annoying ways. But if you have it at a crappy resolution then it decided to cut a segment off of the right side. Now, on a normal monitor this doesn't matter because you just move thing on the monitors menu to fix the problem. But with this laptop screen you can't do that. It is frustrating. Almost as frustrating as me using a real copy of windows so it wants verification within 30 days. But whn I have it, ie when i am at home, I don't have access to the right codes or numbers, nor a phone, nor the internet. Very frustrating.

I fear I will fall asleep on the car journey over to work. I fear I shall be slow and dull witted (more than usual, that is). I fear I have run out of fizzy caffiney goodness. I fear.

Ahh well, sleep deprivation aside, I shall sign off now or else bore you all to tears with my yammering.

I do not know who I am. I cannot accept who I am. I am not happy with who I am. Go figure.

The ants go marching four by four...

CHAPTER 30

Chap Books - Biscuit Books - Stream that is not a stream - Still Streaming - Book Books- And we wrap it up in a vague manner

And then there was continuity...
"None of that... or any of the others!" (Dylan Moran as Bernard Black in Black Books) And on with the show. My lips have been getting dryer and have started splitting, which is not pleasant at all. I need a chap stick or something, but unfortunately with all the moving of house things have been getting a little crazy and I haven't been able to actually go anywhere or do anything.

Buscuit and I have recently hit on an idea. It is this: We shall attempt to write, publish and perform a play. Sounds good? Yes, yes it is. It is something that, like most things I do, shall be slowly worked on and hopefully will then end up completed. I would ultimately like to take some of the funnier segments from different episodes and insert them between the main story plots of one or two episodes. Probably gonna focus on season 1&2, maybe 3.

After that semi-stream-of-conciousness post the other night, I decided to create a web site. I merely mention the streaming thingy because that is what the site seems to be at the moment. A sillier, less mobile version of all that stuff I lock away in a daark cupboard of my mind while I venture beyond the borders of my bedroom. If you desperately wish to be infatuated with my site, view it here. I call it 'semi' stream of conciousness because i was aware of what I was writing. I just did this thing whereby my brain is working but is almost streaming thought in a constant... well, stream. It is like being slightly drunk, you are aware of what is happening but don't really seem or feel part of it, like you are sitting behind your eyes watching someone else steer. Your mind and your vision are seperate. It is like that. I was writing what came into my head and focusing somewhat abstractly on it. It is quite fun to do and enables you to write in bizzare asides and tangents you otherwise would not follow. For those of you who know me, I was ultimately writing somewhat similar to the way I talk :P especially if i'm having one of those "Random" days.

After decending into the depths of my could-be-concious mind, I have found it somewhat invigorating to rediscover the ability to create beautiful pieces of random verbal distraction. The kind of posts that mean nothing but are a joy to write and a bizzare thing to read. The are like a written version of the randomness expressed in such things as Flushed Away, The Mighty Boosh, and that crazy french/spanish star-treck take off movie with Shpoky in it that me and Glenn watched one night. God that was wierd. It's that random yet wierd that can be funny because of it's strangeness and somewhat right-field approach to reality and life.

I have unfortunately, my dears, forgotten everything that I was originally going to write. This is mainly because partly through a paragraph several paragraphs ago the computer I was using died (due to me streaming from youtube the Don't Hold Back song) and this made me lose some of the writing, lose the place, the point and the plot. But do not despair, for I saw Glenn the other day and his hair is all better now.

As you may or may not be able to tell, my writing has become exceptionally disjointed. I can't think right, mainly because I actually have to concentrate on other stuff and so can't really focus on this. But things will right themselves soon. I shall re-read this and see if I can remember my point.

Nope... Oh, and on another random side note, i've started work on my novel again. And on my brother/mine conjoined novel. yay!

Unfortunately for me, as I wished to continue blathering unnaturaly, things have come to a head here, as it were. I must finish 'work' and go home and in doing so must finish 'blogging'. Oh well. I shall cease and desist my dears and see you when I see you.

PS - The picture is the same as last time... I had a pic but that was on the other comp, and this one doesn't have any at all! Oh well....